Tag: personal

Unexpected Losses (of things)

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The other day, my mother’s boss came by with her kids, and my mother had offered to let them have my old toys, which were gathering dust in boxes out in the shed-of-sorts. Turns out I didn’t need to bring all of them down, but it just so happened that things I thought I’d never see again were in them, in particular a few items that were special to me, mixed among the careless purchases of my youth.

I managed to save a certain item from my mother, who was offering it to the younger sister, but I couldn’t seem to save something that my friend had given me as a gift. I suppose you could guess what it was, but I thought that it was missing, perhaps even thrown out, yet here it was. She asked me about it and I mumbled out an answer, and she asked. “But can I have it?” which was so clear it shook me entirely. Can you imagine a three-year-old asking you that? You can’t say no to kids, so I let her have it, and here I am, sitting 48 hours later, in regret.

I admit, before it got put away into the shed the gift had been sitting in my room, in a crate, where I put a lot of similar items. I didn’t exactly miss it. Yet when the kid took it and put it in her bag, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. It felt so sad to see something I hardly remembered. But I did remember. In junior year of high school I even wrote an essay on it and what it meant to me, because it meant a lot. Of course, the essay was so bad that I didn’t get a grade on it, but it clearly meant something to me at the time.

I had thought that giving it away was a mature move, but I still find myself sitting here, thinking about whether or not the kid is treating it well or has just thrown it away, or worse, mutilated it as kids are wont to do. It made me think of the other things I had lost, previously a much-favored limited Daft Punk pin from a fanzine that only had one print run, and before that, my Wii. I was so upset when I heard my mother had thrown it out that I texted friends about it, ranted on social media, the whole charade. She said that I wasn’t playing it and hadn’t for a very long time (I more or less stopped playing video games when I entered middle school, which was a good 10 or 11 years ago), and there was no use keeping it around, so she threw it out. I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t even ask me or think of selling it off! But it’s been a few months since, and while I still feel a pang of sadness, I’m over it. So I imagine I’ll be over the loss of this gift, the loss of my pin, and the loss of my Wii, and probably the countless other things that my mother threw out in the name of cleanliness.

I am a sentimental sap, even if at all the wrong times. I thought I could pride myself on not wanting things, saying that every time my parents offered to get me something, I always said “No, I don’t need anything. If I want anything I’ll get it myself.” And yet I have to admit I am stupidly attached to things, because they hold meaning, however small and relatively insignificant it meant. To me, that gift from my friend meant the world- it meant they thought of me at that particular moment they saw it in the shop, knowing I would like it, and they were very right. It’s not the only gift of theirs that I got, but it’s one of the few that I still know where to find.

I suppose the hardest part of it all is how unexpected it is. Yes, I am upset my parents do not treat all of my possessions with the same respect I do (although I suppose you could say my allowing of them to sit in a storage box is hardly respect), but if I had known I was going to lose it, I would been able to brace myself. The day I lost that pin, I retraced my steps in the pouring rain, trying to find it, but to no avail. I was so sad, I sat for two hours in a classroom, trying to study in vain until I took a nap and slept off the sadness. (Sometimes sleeping off a feeling really helps). But nothing can prepare you for sudden loss except for perhaps a lack of possessiveness-recognizing that things will inevitably slip through your fingers, whether you like it or not. You won’t even know when until it’s too late.

It feels silly to think this way about material possessions. Human relationships are the harder thing to lose, and I find myself with less and less of them as the years go on and as I retreat further and further into myself. But so long as things have meaning to them, I like to believe they are not insignificant. After all, why do people hold on to things for years, passing them through generations? Possessions are not meaningless-they are extensions of our personality, and losing them means losing a small piece of ourselves as well.

So I hope that kid treasures what I allowed her to take. She probably won’t and never will, maybe even throwing out the doll before she’s old enough to remember who allowed her to take it (I did not give it away), and know what it meant to them. I suppose, in short, I should “get over it.” So that’s exactly what I intend to do, no matter how long it takes.

(The older I get, the more convinced I am that minimalism is the way to go but lord, the things I will have to throw out. And anyone who knows me knows I love my books. A fruitless endeavour.)

Mobile games, again

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The proliferation of idol-raising mobile games has been astonishing over the years, likely due to the success of Ensemble Stars, which I myself played for about a year or so. I cannot seem to escape it- it seems nearly everyone I know plays at least one, at least on the interwebs. It’s rare I find someone that does not.

I’ve been finding myself wishing I could play some again, but the ones I’ve picked up never seem to stick. I liked The Idolm@ster SideM, but the outfits are tacky and the gameplay quite boring. The language barrier prevents me from playing Cinderella Girls, Shiny Colors, Starlight Stage, and I’ve lost interest in the Love Live! franchise a while ago. I tried the Uta no Prince-Sama game, but found myself bored quickly, and couldn’t bring myself to progress in the story to unlock more songs (and I only like a couple of UtaPri songs myself). I downloded A3!, both in English and Japanese, but I haven’t been able to keep up with it at all- the gameplay isn’t interesting, and too many bad gacha rolls left a sour taste in my mouth, as much as I love the concept and the characters. BProject also had a language barrier, and I couldn’t find time to play, as rhythm games are Very time-consuming. I even played Mr. Love: Queen’s Choice, but I lost interest after about 3 months. I downloaded On Air! to try it, but I couldn’t understand the gameplay, even though I liked the art style.

There’s something appealing about the idol game genre, however. I’ve found myself astounded by how devoted people can be to characters, and the closest I’ve been to that is idolizing Umi Sonoda and Akatsuki (EnStars), but beyond that, interest has petered out quite easily. I myself wish I could have been so devoted, and I feel that the times I were happiest were when I was playing such games. Granblue Fantasy has been a more fulfilling ride, having achieved more in that game than I have most other games, but it feels less satisfying. GBF is accompanied by a lot of groaning, with some excitement, but mostly groaning.

It may be simply a language barrier preventing me from enjoying most games. And the appeal of idol-raising games is that, well, you get to raise them. This is more apparent in Shiny Colors, I think, where you get to do real work in promoting your idol and enhancing their skills, instead of just playing beatmaps or some kind of event. In a sense maybe I am looking for a kind of companionship in the 2D realm, where I can grow alongside someone and support them, without them asking much of me in return (besides my own money, I suppose). I have always enjoyed reading translations of my favorite characters, seeing their quirks and their relationships with other characters. If I had to choose just one game to play, I’d probably choose Shiny Colors or On Air!. A3! is more closer to the idol raising genre, but you only level up cards themselves, and in itself is a long grind. But the sense of growth may be what I am looking for, seeing as how I lack so much of it in my own life.

The biggest barrier has been money. I try to be strictly F2P, and I more or less am, with the exception of the occasional item purchase, but I often find myself overwhelmed with wanting this card and that, and it’s a never-ending onslaught of attention-grabbing units that everyone simply must have. The same could be said for Granblue- the number of limited units they released the past year alone is staggering, some of which are very necessary for meta purposes (looking at Summer Alexiel).

But I want to keep returning to question of why I have been so enamored with the idea of idol-raising games, despite having difficulty keeping up with them. Perhaps it is like supporting real-life idols, without the exploitation attached. Or it is simply having something to look forward to every day- after all, every morning I wake up and think about how much closer I am to E2-ing SilverAsh. Maybe it’s the nostalgia- I played them for much of high school into college, and it’s a familiar, comfortable feeling.

I do think the market is rather oversaturated, and the success of Ensemble Stars! and The Idolm@ster is hard to compete with, though A3! has been doing very well, well enough to get an English release. I think everyone wants in on the market, but it is a very expensive and costly one, and not one I am sure I want to promote. Many players get by with not spending any money at all while some throw thousands into these games, but in the end, they are very good at keeping you hooked. Perhaps it is lucky that I do not understand Japanese, otherwise I’d probably be finding myself trapped in these games.

For now, it’s hard to escape. Every popular franchise seems to get a gacha game these days (looking at the Star Wars and Avengers games). In the end it seems irrational to spend so much time in something that may end, leaving you with. nothing but spent time and money spent, never to be returned. If I lived in a household where console games were permitted, perhaps I’ll be happier. I don’t know.

But in the meantime, I will continue working on E2 SilverAsh, trying to upgrade my Granblue grids, and figuring out where to fixate my attention next. Maybe someday I can break out of this mobile game loop, and pick up a new hobby. I’ve been entertaining the idea of doing math, or studying Japanese, or drawing more. We’ll see, but only after this semester ends.

Signing off.