Typing this as of 9:41 PM, with a large, daunting project looming over me that is due tomorrow midnight, I realize that my body is not as resilient nor strong as it used to be. I am only 21 but I am approaching my physical limits sooner than I’d like. It is not that I find my body failing me (if that is the right way to put it), but that it is incredibly unhealthy for me to do so, and with a limited supply of coffee, I can only push it so far.

I began relying on coffee as early as middle school, as I stayed up later and later, getting less and less work done, all while still waking up at 6:30 every day to take the train to school. I think I’ve been relying on coffee then to get me through everything, thinking “I can’t sacrifice anything but sleep.” It has enabled me to develop unhealthy habits, sleeping late at night knowing that drinking a cup or two of coffee the next day should get me through, at least towards the end of what you’d call a working day.

Last semester, I had en epiphany. I realized that in fact all-nighters would not do me good and have not done me any good. Too many of them have been spent in delirium, unable to think straight or keep working for longer than a few minutes as I fought to stay awake. So I have not done a true all-nighter since, but I’ve seen more 5 AMs than I’d like to count. Last finals period, saddled with multiple papers and exams, I slept only 4-5 hours every night- I think that span of 5 or 6 days, I only got 24 hours of sleep total. I thought I was fine until I realized, an hour before an exam, that my chest hurt, and this was unusual as I had never experienced it before. It persisted through the day, but luckily it went away. I was afraid for a moment there that I had caused myself a serious health problem.

It appears I haven’t really learned- I have found myself staying up again until 5 AM the last couple weeks or so, and it hasn’t been pleasant. Coffee is no longer there to prop me up, which is how I am avoiding this project to type this up near 10 PM. (Another problem it has enabled- rampant procrastination).

What with the quarantine and trying to restrict my expenses, I believe this is a good time as ever to finally wean off of coffee. I have roughly 3 weeks’ supply left- I think I can learn to drink less, sleep more, now that the stakes are low.

Signing off.