I’ve been playing Arknights for a good month (I would have hit thirty days tomorrow) but in a moment of distraction, I accidentally hit the “Delete Cache” button and subsequently lost all my game data. Of course my first reaction was despair, thinking about how I had worked so hard to get to where I was (I was at 325/400 enemies defeated in Annihilation!) but then I thought, maybe this is a good thing.

I’ve been playing mobile games since freshman year of high school since a friend introduced them to me, and ever since, I can’t seem to spend time without them. How many countless hours have I spent grinding away, trying to get stronger? But I’ve gone through a lot of games, and dropped a lot of games, so I think it’s safe to say that a couple months from now, I would have stopped playing Arknights. In fact, just as I picked it up, I stopped playing the Star Wars game, Galaxy of Heroes. It seems as if my life is a never ending cycle of picking up one game, and losing another.

Part of me thinks it would be a good thing, to get rid of all the games I play. Looking at my iPad, I have nineteen (!) downloaded, only 2-3 of which I play regularly. I tend to cycle between games, slacking on one week and another the next, but in the back of my mind I’ve always thought, “Man it would be great if I could quit.” And it seems silly, being unable to quit a mobile game of all things. It feels silly to be attached to something within your screen and is so…insignificant compared to console games. But I’ve met a lot of friends through them, and for now they’re a hobby I do genuinely enjoy.

But they’re definitely distracting. I’ve spent a lot of time sitting on game wikis, looking up from work to tap on the screen to auto the map again, and staying up late. Hell, I picked up Dragon Raja two weeks ago and it was already getting me to stay awake at 3 AM, and subsequently put me behind in work.

I know I should quit. It would be good for me. But everywhere I feel like I am surrounded by people who play them, and a complete purge seems impossible. So maybe what I need to learn is to manage my reaction and relationship to them. I’ve never had the healthiest relationship with them. I think Granblue Fantasy is the best demonstration of that, the hours I spent feeling inferior because I couldn’t grind out grids fast enough, to compete in Guild Wars effectively, and overall am still working on grids that were supposed to be done a year ago. Not to mention the never-ending salt at people pulling limited units in the gacha. It was painful, and I finally made myself quit January 5th. Of course I decided to pick it up again when a friend and I ended up talking about it, thinking “Oh it won’t be too bad. I can take my time.” But I realize I’ve fallen into that mindset before.

I am reluctant to call this an addiction but then I remember I was in this same position years ago, in high school, when I had just 5 games downloaded instead of this ridiculous 19. And I think, maybe it would be for the better if I do delete them all. But something pulls me back, saying “Wouldn’t it be nice to have something to tap away at? And see progress? And also have cute anime boys?” and it pulls me back in. And back then I could see the effect it was having, and now I am realizing it is happening again. I have friends who play multiple games and it feels normal but when I really think about it, it’s not what I want in life. I have no many aspirations and yet I am always stuck in a loop of never having enough free time because I spend too much time on homework because I spend half the time mobile gaming.

I’m also reluctant to quit because I recognize it is a matter of impulse control, and lack of discipline. I think, even if I quit these games, I’ll always find something else to spend my time on. Just the last few days, instead of doing homework, I ended up drawing a bit in a sudden fit of motivation to work on art. Am I going to struggle with this forever? Am I ready to make a big step by quitting mobage altogether? We’ll see. For now, I am fine with slacking in the games I do have. But I need to cut down. Prioritize. There’s so much I want to do- reading, drawing, learning Japanese….I don’t have time to spend on gaming. I want to allow myself this because I enjoy games, I genuinely do, but I need to figure out ways to control myself, and honestly mobile games are not the best for that, when you need to be participating constantly. So it’s time to look elsewhere.

I just hope I don’t look on this post in a few weeks, having picked up a new game. It’s always the same where I go on about how they’re negatively impacting my life, then refuse to change, and then act shocked when things are going downhill. Maybe it’s symptomatic of a larger personal issue, but I’lll leave it at that. I need to sleep.

Signing off.